“There are three great men sitting in a room – a king, a priest, and a rich man. Between them stands a common sellsword. Each great man bids the sellsword to kill the other two. The question is – who lives, who dies?” If power were truly in the hands of swordsmen then why do we pretend it is kings who hold all of it? The answer is that “power resides where men believe it resides”. It’s a trick, a shadow on the wall, and anyone (or thing) no matter how harmless it is, can be manipulated to cast a very big shadow.
I find this concept is true about many things in life; especially the weapons of the enemy. The insurmountable suffering or immovable objects we face are often obstacles of perspective, not real difference-makers. What we encounter as attacks from the devil – temptations, wicked people, loneliness, anxiety, depression – are distractions we allow to cast a very great shadow in our life. Everyone struggles with these things at some point in life, there is no shame in that. Each of those attacks are valid and real, but they do not hold any power and therefore they do not need to have authority over us.
Ultimately, we are vassals of a higher power who redeems all people, has mastery over all things, and is good. How do we abide in that? If you’re anything like me you go through seasons where your relationship with God feels natural and seasons where it all feels fake. We’re going to focus on the latter seasons because, at the end of the day, those are the times where the overwhelming shadow of life feels largest. In those times where blessings seem to dry up and the routine of life consumes our time, purpose moves from hope into a distant dream. The things we used to aspire towards when life made sense moved into questions we cannot answer.
Why am I doing all these things? Is this the life I really want? I thought being an adult would feel more…designed.
Be alert to this! This is an attack of the enemy disguised as the awakened thoughts of “someone just being real.” In the desert, we are tested like Jesus. The misconception in those questions is a bad definition of what it means to live. Living is not about what we are given, it is about how we choose to live.
The older I get the more I realize life is not what I imagined. Growing up through the stages of childhood and onto college, everything is prepared. I moved through a gentle transition of dependance within the constructs that surrounded me – school, family, soccer teams, friend groups. Life felt designed for me, around me, as if I was the main character. Because of that, it was easy to see the narrative of my life ahead of me as if those circumstances would always continue. There’s no harm in believing my life would have a conventional path:
School -> college -> a job that turns into a career -> a wife and eventually kid = contentment
The thing I wasn’t expecting in this was the change in circumstances, and the creativity of the enemy. The truth is, this is my first time living but it isn’t the Devil’s first time tempting. Once I graduated college I believed in that conventional narrative for myself, innocently and truthfully. But soon I realized that there are thousands of paths we can take every day, not to mention the quiet comparison to others we fight. You do not know the illusion of freedom until you graduate college and realize you can freely quit your job and choose something completely different in the same week. You can date and break up, you can move cities, become homeless, travel anywhere, go to church, join a cult, do whatever and people will not stop you. At first you see all this freedom as a great thing, but eventually you see it as sad and lonely.
Why are opportunities not lining up for me? Why can I not find the main path of my life? I feel like all I’m doing are side quests.
You become nostalgic for home because you love your family, but deeper than that you realize you miss having that structure of protection and dependence. The real world does not give a shit, and that’s real.
So where do we go from here? Everything, everywhere, all at once. We have ultimate freedom and yet nothing matters…?
No.
The world still believes unlimited freedom is a good thing, but not quite so for those of us who believe that life is more than a sequence of desires until we die. We remember what it’s like to aspire towards great things, to live purely, to be proud of ourselves, and love one another fully. However we cannot deny that the real world has changed the playing field. Those feelings do not just happen, we cannot sit and wait to be rescued by a life endowed with flourishing and purpose. Instead, we must counterintuitively carve out significance within the circumstances of our current environment.
In other words, look around you. Touch and feel the life you have and do not waste time looking beyond that…for now. Take an inventory of your habits and your routine and refine that to become a master of yourself. Replace the dreams you used to have of your life with the dreams you make about yourself. Make your new unconventional path like this:
Disciplined self-care -> intentional participation in the groups you are a part of -> unexplainable love towards others = ?
You see the problem with the conventional path is that it was never promised. We do not control outcomes, only our own behavior. Some will live their whole life waiting by the tracks of a train that is never coming. They will ask “why, God. I have been faithful and good, I have not followed the enemy down wrong paths or disobeyed your commandments! So why have you not blessed me with the life I have asked for?” But they have been deceived by the enemy and lay exactly where he wants him – alone and inactive. This man is no better than the servant in the parable of the talents who buries his investment in the ground. We are not called to disengage the world, but reengage it under a different paradigm – the paradigm of the unconventional path.
I’ll close with this story. In Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress, Christian and his friend Hopeful are held captive by Giant Despair who holds them in Doubting Castle. In his dungeon, Giant Despair threatens them with death – beating them and starving them. Eventually Despair encourages them to take their own life since death will come in the end either way. Christian and Hopeful sit in the dungeon on the brink of suicide, pondering why they’ve come all this way only to die in a prison of Despair. As Christian questions his meaning out loud, Hopeful reminds him of what they’ve faced and endured already together:
“My brother, let us be patient, and endure a while. The time may come that may give us a happy release; but let us not be our own murderers … .Apollyon could not crush thee, nor could all that thou didst hear, or see, or feel, in the Valley of the Shadow of Death. What hardship, terror, and amazement hast thou already gone through! And art thou now nothing but fear!”
Pilgrim’s Progress pgs 120-121
As they pray in their dungeon awaiting the brutality of Giant Despair, who has promised to come back the following morning and kill them both, Christian realizes he has been a fool. He holds the key to his chains within his own pocket, he has the whole time. They unlock their chains and leave.
Life is full of these pseudo-realities, these tricks and mirrors that invite us to stop trying, to give into a fear of failure, and a lack of ever finding true meaning. These are the seasons of life that matter because, when handled with conviction and discipline, they form us into the kinds of people who are strong and fulfilled . In John 10, Jesus says, “My sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow me and I give unto them eternal life and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” You are not alone and you can find your way into a life of flourishment. Take heart in those words from Jesus – He is with you on the path that leads to life as much as He is with you in the dungeons of Despair. Do not hijack your life with false promises, let those things fall where God will place them. Instead, focus on living into the moments you have around you. Fill them with purpose and meaning and they will reciprocate that effect on you. Hope is coming
Aaron