God this is convicting me so hard. I am sensing in myself so many things that I feel territorial of surrendering. How can I read this and live the same? Do you truly call me to give up everything? How entrenched in this world I have become! My comforts and conveniences, my hopes and desires no matter how pure they sound- a family, a fulfilling job, a home to host and raise family in, land with some animals and produce, giving boxing lessons, being active in my Church…all these things are good (or at least they aren’t bad), but are they what you want, Father? Am I so busy pursuing uninspired good that I am missing your call for me entirely? 

Holy Spirit, shout at me! Take me by my shoulders and shake me until I wake up to your will. Help me shed my old wineskin and become a vessel of your good news. Am I willing to burn the boats, as Bonhoeffer writes; to abandon my plans and follow you absolutely. What does that mean when we do not first hear your voice? Must I first remove any assurance of a fallback before I hear you? Do you wait on us to truly die to ourselves to speak, or are my own hidden plans speaking louder in my heart than your voice? Do you speak quietly on purpose then? If I am meant to follow you absolutely then how do I know where to go from here? I feel stuck at this impasse of feeling convicted to surrender my all but unsure how to do so, and if I do surrender I can only do it wholly. Not an empty commitment to serve you in piety, but the kind of costly abandonment that leads to a contagious and obedient faith.